miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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