Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
