I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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