This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
