she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
