she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
