Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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