when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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