Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I need to align my fucking chakras
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