i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
