I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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