Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
