i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
