I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
