he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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