the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Randomize