Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
