i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
