shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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