just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
