That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
