I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
