Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
