end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
