Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
