i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
