she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
