Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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