We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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