I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
