I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
