im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
