First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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