Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We were destined to go to rehab together
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
