It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
