hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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