Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
farters have to be the big spoon...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
