Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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