I want to make a zoo with you.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
