Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
