I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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