He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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