Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
