I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
