I'm jealous of your bromance
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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