the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
