They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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