I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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