I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
