i permit you to call me
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
