he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
