k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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