I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
