I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
