im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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