he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
