that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
