Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
