I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
