I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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