Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
