I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
