I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
