I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize