I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
