I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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